


You Just Hate Him 'Cause You're Bored

by Laurasauras



Series: Homestuck [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Bulges and Nooks, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Hate Sex, Jealousy, M/M, Multi, Porn With Plot, Quadrant Confusion, Smut, Teen Romance, Voyeurism, Xenophilia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-06 09:56:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13408794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras
Summary: Eridan was never killed, but he is ostracised. He hides out with Gamzee, and they start a kismesissitude, not out of compatibility, but boredom.Karkat sees that this isn't healthy, and even though his moirallegiance with Gamzee didn't work out, he feels obligated to help them.Dave is willing to keep an open mind about quadrants, he's psyched to be with Karkat and knows that he has to accept some stuff about troll culture, but he doesn't realise just what the conciliatory romances entail.Explicit.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to check out the previous work in the series! It's not necessary to reading this at all, but rather a fluff piece about Dave and Karkat getting together.

They were halfway done with the meteor bullshit. Halfway. They still had to do the same amount of time they had just done, all over again. Eridan couldn’t remember being so bored in his entire life. He’d never gone so long without shooting someone. He’d never gone so long without talking to someone.

Because though he and Gamzee shared a respiteblock, Gamzee was missing half the time and the other half he seemed to be permanently zoned out. Eridan was sick of being the one to start conversations, but not masochistic enough to stop doing that. After all, if he didn’t make conversation, he wouldn’t be having a conversation.

Apart from Gamzee, the only person he could talk to was Karkat. And Karkat was distracted, spending all his time with Dave. Eridan had spent one afternoon with the two of them before he decided that he couldn’t deal with Dave. He didn’t understand a single thing the human said and Karkat’s smell was all over him, strongly sending the signal that he was not to be taken, not in any quadrant, all for Karkat.

Seriously, like Eridan was actually considering making a move anyway, those pheromones were just overkill.

‘I need a fuckin’ hobby,’ Eridan told Gamzee’s empty room.

‘What’s wrong with whatever the motherfuck we got goin’ on here?’

‘Holy fuck, howw long havve you been there?’ 

Gamzee flopped down from a vent with disturbing bonelessness and grinned up at Eridan from a strange puddle on the floor.

‘I fuckin’ hate wwhen you act like that creepy fuckin’ puppet.’

‘Cal is by best motherfuckin’ friend, Eribro, we could all be gettin’ on our puppetty ways up in this business. Learn from the motherfuckin’ master.’

‘I don’t like you,’ Eridan said.

Gamzee just grinned widely, the expression somehow not meeting his eyes.

Eridan felt a very lackluster stab of hatred towards Gamzee. This had been happening more and more frequently. It wasn’t like with Vriska, when they were brewing pitch. That was a beautiful rivalry, one that he admittedly felt they had both outgrown (or so she insisted they had, so whatever). And Sollux had been pitchbait, all getting in Feferi’s grill and saying mad antagonistic things. Gamzee had always been … kind of meh. Sure, his religion was stupid, but that was true for most land shit. Eridan couldn’t summon a big enough hatred for any particular land quirks. 

He was a seadweller, royalty, he had had some murderous tendencies in his days. He’d had a bit of apathy as well, to be fair, especially when he thought that he was doomed to be stuck as moirails with Feferi, not daring to risk what they had for the flushed urges he kinda knew she didn’t share, but he always assumed that serendipity was just around the corner. He would watch romantic movies with Karkat and he knew that there was a reason for his lack of quadrant success despite his delightful personality, hot bod and rich blood. Before the game, he assumed that one day he would attempt to kill some landlubber and their lusus and they would prove their worth against him, they would put up a good enough fight and … well, it didn’t matter anymore. He had eleven fools for friends and then the pool got even smaller, which he supposed he … helped along … somewhat … in collaboration with the now dead people, naturally. Not his fault he came out of it unscathed and the other ones … got all scathed up.

‘Woah, Eribro, you just zoned the fuck out, didn’t you? Ahaha you’re all staring it out at nothing, like you got a motherfucking thought spasm up in your thinksponge.’

‘I hate you so fuckin’ much. Ah, look at that, thought I couldn’t summon a bit a decent hatred for you and then you wwent and made a motherfuckin’ miracle. I’m a full blowwn convvert to your stupid fake religion.’

‘Honk.’

God, if there was one thing that Eridan hated more than Gamzee using those fucking horns, it was him saying the word “honk” out loud.

‘Fuck you, Gam, just fuck you.’

‘Ahaha you’d like that wouldn’t you, you filthy seascum.’

Gamzee moved so fast he blurred, suddenly looming over Eridan. Even when they were standing Gamzee was disturbingly tall, but with Eridan sitting in his usual chair he was overwhelmingly present. Gamzee didn’t have the best track record for respecting personal space, but he never really bothered with Eridan. 

‘Wwhat’re you doin’? You’re not interested in me,’ Eridan protested, squirming backwards in an attempt to at least sit up straighter. 

Gamzee watched with a lazy smile. ‘Bitch, I got nothin’ else to do. You want some of this, you sick fuck?’

‘I’m nobody’s bored spade fuck. Fuck off, you crazy fuckin’ clowwn.’

Gamzee started to purr-growl, leaning in close so that they were almost touching. ‘Not like you were made for anythin’ better, is it though.’ His voice was distorted by the aggressive purrs, going even deeper than it usually was. ‘Couldn’t get anyone to pail you, could you, you motherfuckin’ disgrace. Not for lack of fuckin’ tryin’. And that was  _ before _ you became a pariah. They hate you worse than me, you stuttering fuck. At least I  _ amuse _ them. I got my motherfuckin’ whimsy to fall back on. All you got is  _ cling _ and  _ aggression _ . So fuckin’ repulsive. Bet I couldn’t even get my bulge out for someone like you.’

There was no room for Eridan to move, no way he could get his rifle or his wand, not even any space to draw back for a proper punch. He hissed as aggressively as he could, getting even closer to Gamzee’s face, propping himself up as much as he could with his arms, given that he couldn’t escape the chair, wondering if he had the guts to go for his neck, if he could bite hard enough to do any damage.

‘Finally motherfuckin’ playin’, shitweasel?’ Gamzee growled. His hands gripped Eridan’s and kept them pinned to the arms of the chair. ‘Gonna get motherfuckin’ caliginous with me?’

Eridan didn’t bother to reply, he just mashed his face against Gamzee’s, kissing and biting, trying to hurt, trying to distract. Gamzee let himself be bitten, just returned the kisses and Eridan’s anger peaked even higher because Gamzee was  _ playing _ with him and he’d  _ fallen _ for it. Eridan knocked Gamzee’s head to the side and lunged for his neck, scraping his teeth slowly from his ear to the base and then licking back the same path. 

‘Yess, my brother, I  _ knew _ you had it in you,’ Gamzee sighed. 

Eridan recoiled in protest but Gamzee pulled him by the wrists so they both fell to the floor and then rolled them so he could straddle Eridan’s hips.

‘ _ I’m gonna motherfuckin’ ruin you _ ,’ Gamzee breathed before biting down on Eridan’s ear frond hard enough to draw blood from the sensitive membrane.

Eridan held still, not stupid enough to wrench free and lose the bit of him that was still in Gamzee’s mouth. He clenched his teeth and suppressed the moan of pain as much as he could. Gamzee let go and pulled back so that Eridan could see the purple blood dripping through his teeth, through his creepy, open smile.

Eridan allowed himself a moment of self hatred for being turned on by the sight of his own blood before he shredded the skin tight black t-shirt clinging to Gamzee’s chest, digging into the flesh underneath. 

Gamzee groaned and pressed himself closer to Eridan, grinding against him with just a  _ bit _ too much pressure. Eridan released his grip on Gamzee’s skin accidentally, his claws retracting in response to the  _ oh god yes _ messages that his brain was sending. He forced himself to extend them again, to tear at the loose fabric around Gamzee’s legs.

‘Keen for a motherfucker who resisted getting up in this business,’ Gamzee growled, shedding the remnants of his pants.

‘I’m only as keen as you are, fucker, and not an inch more.’

‘I guess that makes you  _ pretty fuckin’ keen _ .’

Eridan moaned, all arousal, and pushed at Gamzee’s shoulder to roll him. To his surprise, Gamzee didn’t resist, but let himself be pushed.

‘You’re wearing way too many motherfuckin’ clothes,’ Gamzee pointed out.

Eridan sat up and stripped his shirt and scarf off. He leaned down and kissed Gamzee prettily. When they weren’t trying to hurt one another, the kisses were wonderful, a dance of lips and tongues. The cool smoothness of Gamzee’s chest against Eridan’s was wonderful, a sensation that shouldn’t feel as good as it did. 

‘Still too many motherfuckin’ clothes,  _ please _ ,  _ fuck _ !’ Gamzee moaned.

Eridan shuddered all over. To go from rejection to being begged was … Eridan rolled to the side to get out of his pants. Gamzee sat up and kissed Eridan’s neck while he struggled to undress himself, his arousal making him shake, making his fingers not work as well.

He turned back and captured Gamzee’s mouth again, holding him by his neck, keeping him in place. Gamzee kissed back eagerly.

‘You’re a motherfuckin’ miracle, my friend, look at you, you’re motherfuckin’ glorious.’

Eridan groaned and climbed up on Gamzee’s lap, straddling him, letting their bulges tangle together. This was going faster than anything he’d done before, but it felt so amazing, he just pushed closer and moaned when the hold on his bulge got tighter. 

‘Yes,  _ yes _ , bro, mother _ fuck _ that feels  _ good _ .’ Gamzee raked his claws lightly across Eridan’s lower back and then gripped him closer, held on tight.

‘Ngh, Gam,  _ close _ , Gam, I’m …’ Eridan tugged on Gamzee’s hair, and grinded.

‘ _ Fuck _ , yes, my beautiful brother, let  _ go _ …’

As if he had been waiting for permission, Eridan felt his body tighten and then explode beautifully, releasing all the built up tension in a rush. When he opened his eyes again, he saw that Gamzee had come as well, that they were soaked in two different tones of purple. Eridan kissed Gamzee, trying to communicate the affection that had swept through him once they got past the anger and the baiting. Gamzee kissed back and then sucked on Eridan’s lip until it hurt. 

‘Wwe’re doin’ that again, right?’ Eridan asked.

‘Motherfuck, not right away, I’m good, but …’

‘I’m not sayin’ that, fuck.’

Gamzee gazed at Eridan with half-lidded eyes.

‘Well, anything less urgent than that can wait. I need to motherfuckin’  _ bask _ .’

Eridan slowly disentangled himself and flopped onto the ground. He was really fucking relaxed.


	2. Chapter 2

After Eridan first hooked up with Gamzee, predictably, Gamzee went missing. Nothing that he hadn’t done before, but previously he hadn’t been left feeling like a one night stand. Worse than that, now that he knew what it was like to have someone else get him off, it was nowhere near as satisfying to take care of himself.

He managed four days of moping around their shared block before he gave up and messaged Karkat, desperate for any kind of company.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] 

CA: hey kar 

CA: wwanna hang out 

CG: HEY YOURSELF, IT’S BEEN A WHILE. 

CG: STRIDER AND I ARE IN CAN TOWN, BUT I CAN LEAVE HIM IN THE CAPABLE, ADORABLE HANDS OF THE MAYOR FOR A BIT. 

CG: GET SOME TROLLDUDE TIME. 

CA: that wwould be fuckin awwesome 

CG: MY BLOCK? 

CA: sure 

CA: you seem all chill 

CA: wwhats goin on 

CG: NONE OF YOUR BULGELICKING BUSINESS, BUT I’M NOT ACTUALLY A CONSTANT FOUNTAIN OF RAGE ALL THE FUCKING TIME 

CG: MAYBE I THOUGHT THAT I COULD HAVE A SIMPLE FUCKING CONVERSATION THAT DIDN’T DEVOLVE INTO ME THREATENING DEATH ONTO SOMEONE. 

CG: I’M NOT THE FUCKING LEADER ANYMORE, I DON’T NEED TO WRANGLE YOU SHITHEAPS INTO SHAPE LIKE SOME KIND OF SEWAGE WORKER, SHOVELING SHIT BACK TO MY HIVE SO I CAN MAKE SHIT SCULPTURES FOR FUN BECAUSE IT ISN’T ENOUGH THAT MY NIGHT JOB IS BEING NOOK DEEP IN SHIT, I HAVE TO TAKE IT HOME TOO. 

CG: FUCK YOU ERIDAN, MAYBE I’M JUST FUCKING HAPPY BECAUSE I’VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH THE MAYOR AND FUCK IF HE’S NOT THE MOST PRECIOUS CREATURE IN ALL OF CREATION. 

CA: i take it back youre not chill wwe still gonna hang in your block or are you pissed at me 

CG: I’M CAPABLE OF BEING PISSED AT YOU AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME AS HANGING OUT WITH YOU 

CG: I’M A MOTHERFUCKING MULTITASKER. 

CG: yo i shout all the time and i hate everything yo 

CG: something about bulges probably because i have a fixation on alien dick 

CG: IGNORE THAT. 

CG: I’M ON THE WAY TO MY BLOCK NOW. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] 

Eridan heaved himself into the vents, hating Gamzee for making it look a lot easier than it was. He was strong, could and did do pull ups regularly (and not just so this vent bullshit was easier) but there was nothing to grip on and they were small and Eridan hated that he didn’t risk going down the walkpaths.

When Eridan dropped down into Karkat’s block, Karkat was already there.

‘Just so you know, Strider will come up with an excuse to invite himself in in less than an hour. He’s clingy as a clingbeast. And just as slow.’

‘So wwhat are you sayin’?’ Eridan asked.

‘I’m saying that if you have something you want to get off your chest, do so now.’

‘Kar, wwhy are you actin’ like you knoww somethin’?’

‘Maybe because Gamzee casually walked into the mealblock during family dinner a few days ago and spat some of your blood onto Terezi before walking out. I was out of my seat and ready to pap him before I remembered that he rejected me like I was a grub with no legs, just lying on the floor of the brooding caverns.’

‘Uh …’

‘Yeah, Vriska did not take it well. Apparently she’s been chasing him away from Terezi for a perigee now. Got the impression that it amped up a lot more after the fucker dumped me, probably knew I’d disapprove, flip ashen if I had to.’

‘Fuck, Kar, I kneww it wwasn’t serendipity or shit, I’m not an idiot, but I didn’t think I wwas just _pitch fodder_ .’

‘Yeah, he’s a real shit.’

‘That’s … mild,’ Eridan observed. Actually, Karkat was nowhere near as amped up as he usually was. Perhaps the Dave human was doing him some good.

Karkat grinned and sat on his restplatform, gesturing for Eridan to join him.

‘He used me, Kar,’ Eridan said. It hurt to admit it. ‘An’ I can’t evven say I wwon’t let him do it again, ‘cause the fact that he used me makes me hate him so much.’

‘Hey asshole, there’s more to pitch than hatred, and you can’t just turn the tap from tepid to scalding anyway. How long have you been feeling this way?’

‘Not our leader anymore, still guardian of evvery one a our hearts, aren’t you?’

Karkat shoved Eridan’s shoulder.

‘I dunno, I’m not evven sure I hate him now, he just sprang it on me, all tauntin’ and shit.’

‘What do you mean? Fuck, did he force you?’

‘Nah, I just hadn’t felt anythin’ more than the usual hatred I feel towwards all land scum until he provvoked me. It was nice, actually, up until he left me for four fuckin’ days wwith not so much as a “thanks bro”,’ Eridan said. ‘Don’t know if I hate myself or him more, ‘cause it’s makin’ me crazy, Kar.’

Karkat moved as if he wanted to shoosh Eridan but then thought better of it. Instead, he put his arm around him awkwardly.

‘This is nothing,’ Karkat said firmly. ‘Also, Gamzee’s a fucking moron. After all, he dumped me, and obviously I was the best fucking thing to ever happen to that idiot. But it doesn’t sound like you respect each other, that’s super fucking important.’

‘What? No, I …’

Karkat let Eridan’s head fall onto his shoulder.

‘Kar, I’vve fucked up, havven’t I? Wwhat do I do?’

‘Fuck. Um, look, this is complicated. Just, hold up, for one second, I just need to leave the room super quickly.’ Karkat extricated himself from Eridan’s embrace and opened the door.

On the other side, Dave was standing with his fist up, ready to knock. Dave’s right eyebrow lifted.

‘Ah, fuck, I was just about to come find you,’ Karkat said.

‘That’s what this relationship is all about, babydoll, I anticipate your needs like the best fucking personal assistant. I know your schedge, but not just that, I also can see when you need a coffee, I can—’ Dave broke off on account of Karkat holding his hand over his mouth.

‘Not everything needs to be an essay length ramble, dicknuts! Listen to me, I have something real to say to you, okay?’ Karkat removed his hand, looked at it in disgust and then wiped it on Dave’s shirt. ‘And don’t fucking lick my hand, you gross child-man.’

‘Man-child, that's how people usually say that,’ Dave said.

‘Guess who isn’t talking right now! You! Now shut up, and also fuck off, and by fuck off, I mean sit the fuck down.’ Karkat took in a deep breath. ‘Right, Eridan and Gamzee are being really awful kismeses.’

‘Are you gonna turn this into a romance lesson? ‘Cause you know I only go along with those so I can make hot for teacher jokes, right? And that’s a bit awkward with fish-dude right here.’

‘Shut up! Still my turn for talking! They’re awful together and they _will_ kill each other, I think I have a responsibility here!’

‘Kar, are you comin’ ovver all ashen here?’ Eridan piped up.

‘Yes! But I’ve got a Dave, we haven’t talked about what would happen if something like this came up!’

‘Woah, are you getting clubs ways with these dudes? Isn’t that the most boring one?’

‘Dave, I don’t have time to address your stupid ideas of entertainment when it comes to romance. As hard as it is to comprehend for someone as resistant to mature relationships as you, boredom and interest are not the main fucking agendas of being with someone.’

‘Ha, burn. Sorry dude, keep going.’

‘Right,’ Karkat said. ‘Well auspistising is complicated as fuck, but it’s not concupiscent, right, and Rose gave the impression that most humans wouldn’t consider the conciliatory quadrants as unfaithful, but that was her opinion, that doesn’t mean you would agree. And you already said that you want me all to yourself, so I just don’t know …’

‘Babe. Sugarbuns. Muffintits. I’m in boyfriends with an alien, I’m obviously open to new experiences. Just tell me what this involves. Do I have to be involved with gill-face over here? Or is it just you? What does involved mean? Do you literally just stop them from hurting each other too much? Or are you like their couples therapist? You stop them from cheating on each other, right, you said that once. So if you did this then the clown douche would stop harassing Terezi, right, ‘cause that sounds like a fucking great thing.’

‘Do you want to keep asking questions without giving me space to answer?’

‘Heh, yeah, that would be sweet, I could just unload all these questions and then we’d all leave and realise that I still knew dick-squat.

‘That’s not irony, Dave, not everything is irony, _fuck_!’

‘Do I get a say in this?’ Eridan asked.

‘I’m not offering anything that isn’t okay with Dave, so this practically doesn’t even concern you at this point.'

‘And Gam kinda dumped you, is that not relevvant?’

‘Won’t be an issue if Dave says “no”, so I’m gonna get this done first.’

‘Aw, babe, you’re the sweetest.’

‘You wouldn’t have to be involved at all, it would be my relationship, not yours. Yeah, I’d stop them from killing each other, but a certain amount of hurt is … expected, you know? Certainly I’d stop them from dragging other people into their games, so Terezi would be left alone, but Vriska’s got her back anyway, and she’s badass enough to take care of herself. And I’d talk to them, make sure they aren’t going too far, make sure they were feeling the right kind of aggression. And, to be honest, it doesn’t feel like the right kind of aggression at the moment, I’m pretty worried about both of them.’

‘Should you be worried? Should he be worried?’

‘You talkin’ to me?’

‘Yeah, bro, let’s you and I talk this out, you trying to steal my man?’

‘No!’

‘’Cause you hit on everyone, dude, don’t even pretend you don’t.’

‘Not Karkat. I mean, I’vve had pale type feelings before, but he shut me dowwn and that’s that. But, yeah, I guess I could use the help. I’d nevver thought about the possibility of havvin’ Kar mediatin’ for me, just always assumed it wwould be Kan, she’s the village twwo-wwheel devvice for auspistising.’

‘So … it’s pretty platonic, right?’ Dave asked Karkat.

‘Well, no, it’s romance, it’s still romance. But it’s not … it’s not like I’d be pailing them, right, I’d just be comforting them separately and talking them down when they need it.’

‘Can I see? Like, can you act all clubs with Eridan for today and I’ll just sit quietly in the corner?’

‘God, humans … Dave, how would you feel if Rose wanted to be in the room while we had a serious talk about our feelings?’

‘Dude, _I_ don’t even want to be in the room when we’re having a serious talk about our feelings. I get your point though. I just, don’t know, you know? Like, if I say, “yeah, bro, get your clubs on, these fuckers obviously need it and you’re like an expert in this stuff,” and then it turns out that it involves something I’m not cool with, I’ll feel like an asshole if I get upset because I gave my permission, and you’re cool enough to ask for it in the first place, and it’s not like we’re in clubs together, because obviously we’re not, and I don’t know enough about your romance, and I’m trying, but …’

‘Kar, let Davve see wwhat it’s like,’ Eridan interrupted.

The other two turned to stare at Eridan like he’d gone crazy.

‘I’m serious! You’re right, wwe’re not healthy, I don’t wwant to do this wwithout you, but he’ll draww me in anywway, so I gotta givve it the best shot. And anyone wwith a auspistice has gotta get used to givving ovver a certain amount a privvacy anywway, right?’

‘This is so messed up …’ Karkat told the roof.

‘There are exactly eight trolls left in the wwhole goddamn wworld, twwo of wwhom are livvin’ in death-dream bubbles, twwo of wwhom are in relationships wwith aliens. I think that the “rules” of dating havve been wwell and truly throwwn out the wwindow.’

‘Yeah, that’s basically what we’ve been saying anyway, right?’ Dave agreed. ‘Cause we’re alien to each other so you aren’t gonna be what I would expect out of a boyfriend and I’m not gonna fit into your quadrants like a troll would, right?’

‘Fine. Fine! It’s not like I’m not used to having embarrassing audiences to emotional shit anyway, thanks to all the idiot past Karkats who thought memos were a good fucking idea.’

Dave held up his fist to Eridan and Eridan stared at it. Dave gave a dramatic sigh before picking up Eridan’s hand, curling it into a fist and then bumping it to his own.

‘Dude, if we’re gonna be friends, which is probably best if we’re sharing that hot piece of ass over there, you gotta pick up your bro-bump game.’


	3. Chapter 3

They agreed to do a practice day of Karkat auspisticising for Eridan, as much as they could without involving Gamzee and as much as they could with Dave hanging around awkwardly. Karkat shoved Dave by his face into a pile in the corner and snorted with laughter when Dave kissed him sweetly on the hand with an innocent look. Dave pulled out a human laptop, all plastic and no biology and started fiddling with it. 

‘Headphones or no?’ he asked.

‘I like your music,’ Karkat said casually.

Eridan raised his eyebrows at Karkat. Dave was waiting for Eridan to weigh in, so he said, ‘man, if Kar can say something halfwway positive wwithout justifyin’ it for ten minutes, good enough for me.’

Dave nodded and fiddled a bit more. Music started playing quietly. Karkat awkwardly sat on his resting platform next to Eridan. Eridan couldn’t see if Dave was focussing on his laptop or staring at them, thanks to his impenetrable shades. That might be for the best.

Eridan leaned cautiously into Karkat and there was a moment of hesitation before Karkat wrapped his arms around Eridan and pulled him closer. 

‘Tell me what you like about Gamzee,’ Karkat said.

Right on cue, Dave’s music started honking, getting more upbeat without relinquishing the heavy bassline. Eridan jumped a little and stared at him.

‘Ignore him, he goes with the themes of the room. Thinks he’s a DJ or something, seriously, ignore him, I’ve heard that particular Dave ramble way too many times. Come on, what do you like about Gamzee?’

‘I like … fuck, I dunno, Kar, I like that he hasn’t abandoned me like evverybody else, but that’s not enough, is it?’

‘No, that is not enough. Jesus, Eridan.’

‘Wwell, wwhat do you like about him? I nevver got wwhy you wwould settle for him.’

‘I didn’t fucking settle, he—’ Karkat sighed and pulled an arm from Eridan so that he could scrub at his face. ‘He’s a sweetheart, he thinks everything is miraculous, including me, that’s fucking special, okay, especially because his lusus was absent as all fuck, he should have been more cynical than Sollux. And he gives great hugs, he knows when to stop pushing issues, he listens as if he’s never heard anything more interesting than the things you’re telling him.’

‘Wwoww. I … don’t get that from him. He’s barely evver around, and when he is, he’s talkin’ about his stupid religion or starin’ at that creepy puppet, the most attention he evver gavve me wwas wwhen he … pailed me …’

‘Tell me more about that, what brought it on?’

‘He was bein’ annoyin’ wwhen I wwas thinkin’ about howw bored I wwas, he said “honk” out loud, wwhich is basically the wworst thing in a long list a things that I hate him doin’, so I told him to get fucked and he said … I can’t remember, somethin’ about howw repulsivve I am and then he crowwded me, and insulted me ‘til I bit him. He wwas much more encouragin’ once wwe got goin’, mind.’

‘You stupid fuck,’ Karkat said, stroking Eridan’s horns. ‘Not really your fault though, is it?’

‘I coulda bit him wwithout makin’ it sexy, Kar, I wwanted it at the time.’

‘Do you want him now?’

Eridan said nothing and sulked.

‘Listen, it was always pretty obvious that you thought you’d get a kismesis before sorting your other squares, and I know you had a thing going with Vriska, but I think you’re a gentle guy, really.’

‘Fuck you, Kar, I aint found a problem that can’t be solved wwith my gun yet,’ Eridan reminded him. 

‘Yeah, you’re violent, obviously, I’m not saying you’re not, but  _ fuck _ , Eridan, you have to admit that red appeals to you a lot more than this.’

‘Wwho knowws, maybe wwe’ll vacillate.’

‘Shit for brains, you’re not gonna get Gamzee flushed for you. You’re not gonna be able to muster up those feelings either. I’m astonished you could even wax pitch for him, but there’s nothing wrong with finding comfort where there’s comfort so long as we can build on it a little, right?’

Eridan felt his purrs start up, not quite audible yet, but vibrating through his chest. Karkat gave the best horn massages, his talent was wasted on a human. Karkat tugged on Eridan’s horn and Eridan reluctantly forced himself to pay attention to what Karkat was saying. 

‘Seriously, I’ve heard of relationships being started on less stable foundations than “lonely”,’ Karkat said. 

“Oh really? Like wwhat?’

‘Like how when Sollux introduced Equius and Nepeta, he told her that she was the least repulsive of all of us because she used her goddamn manners, and then proceeded to “protect” her from the rest of us “bad influences”. Being able to say “please” and “thank you” is a pretty flimsy basis for a relationship, but it worked for them.’

‘God, Kar, cool it on the enclosure talons.’

Dave let out a ‘pffft’ of suppressed laughter. Karkat and Eridan looked over at him.

‘Sorry, just “enclosure talons”, that’s one of my favourites.’

‘Do you want to take a quick breather, talk about how you’re doing?’ Karkat asked. 

‘Man, you’re considerate. Uh, yeah, that’d be good.’ Dave placed the laptop on the floor and shifted forward. ‘So, cuddles are a pretty standard deal, yeah?’

‘Yes,’ said Karkat, and Eridan was impressed by how straightforward they were being. 

‘Right, with both of them, too?’

‘Not at the same time, but yes.’

‘More than cuddles?’

Karkat shifted awkwardly. ‘Horn massages, face paps, small kisses …’

‘Can you, uh, define small kisses for me? On me, not Eridan?’

Karkat gently shoved Eridan off him and crouched next to Dave. He stroked his cheek gently. ‘You’re okay, everything’s okay,’ he said, before pressing a gentle kiss on his forehead and then another on his lips. ‘Now, tell me what’s on your mind,’ Karkat said, continuing to pap in a steady rhythm.

‘That’s innocent as fuck,’ Dave murmured. ‘Ugh, sharing’s  _ hard _ , Karkat, I don’t want anyone falling for you ‘cause you’re so good at that and it feels hella inevitable that kind of care would result in love, you know?’

‘It  _ is  _ love, but it’s not the same kind as what we’d be striving for, it’s a trust kind of thing. They trust me to look out for their relationship and love me for it, or that’s the hope, anyway. Like, imagine if I was just their friend, not their auspistice. And they were having problems, and chose to vent to me. How would they know I wasn’t taking sides? They wouldn’t, and so they’d probably lie to make themselves look better and they’d overthink my advice and at the end of the day, I’d feel like they’d used me and were ungrateful and they’d just act on whatever whim they wanted, no matter what I said. But as their auspistice, they know that I don’t have a preference for either of them, I just want their relationship to be as good as it can be. And if I offer them advice and they don’t take it, it could damage our relationship, so they’d better be ready to deal with that. And at the end of the day, if their relationship goes well, I get an amount of credit for that.’

Dave stared into Karkat’s eyes for a long while before nodding.

‘You should showw him movvies,’ Eridan suggested. ‘That’s howw you got so good at this crap, isn’t it?’

‘It’s not  _ crap _ , it’s called competence, I know you don’t see it often, but this is what communication and honesty looks like.’

‘Aw, babe, you barely swore at all, do you want a do-over?’

‘Fuck you, Strider, I’m suddenly agreeing with fish-fart over there that the best way to see if you’re comfortable with this is to watch nothing but my vastly superior collection of movies until you can give Rose a fucking  _ lecture _ on the positives and the pitfalls to auspistice, the most undervalued quadrant.’

‘I’m down with that, let’s get our marathon on. You’ll stay, right, Eridan? We gotta get you out of that bedroom, make you a little less available, at the very least.’

‘He’s right, you can’t just be there for him whenever he wants and yet have no way of finding him, that’s super unbalanced.’

‘Aw fuck, this is a package deal, isn’t it? Like  _ In Which A Lowblood— _ ’

‘Nope, you’re not doing a troll movie title, I let Karkat read a movie title out to me last week and I don’t have to ever listen to one again, just show me the fucking movie, okay?’

Karkat pulled out his screen and his collection of movie grubs and gestured welcomingly to Eridan to choose.

‘I’mma get some snacks, feel free to start without me,’ Dave said.

‘It’s for your benefit, sludgefuck, we’ll wait.’

Dave shot Karkat a finger-gun and left the room with a swish of his cape.

‘Do you think he good cape skills are a perk of god tiers or did he havve to practice that?’ Eridan asked.

‘Oh my god, you practiced with your cape, didn’t you?’

‘Kar, wwhat is evven the point of a fuckin’ cape if you aren’t gonna havve it billow dramatically?’

‘No point, just like there’s no point to a cape to begin with. Why are my friends such assholes?’

Eridan didn’t reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha, I go into this thinking it's gonna be hot hate sex the whole way, but DaveKat is just so important to me. God, there's so much room for drama in this story of mine, I'm really excited about it!  
> Next chapter has Karkat being alone with his new quadrant-mates.
> 
> Also, if you want to hear what subtle honking worked into a sweet song sounds like, check out this legend: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZeYLm_vR18


	4. Chapter 4

Karkat walked Eridan back to his and Gamzee’s block. Dave stayed back at Karkat’s, trying to figure out if any of the grubs were pornography. Dave had given his permission for Karkat to auspistise between Eridan and Gamzee, rambling on about not wasting Karkat’s talents and his own open mindedness until Karkat just dragged Eridan from the room. Ridiculously, they heard Dave continuing to talk, not even raising his voice for their benefit, all the way down the corridor. 

They didn’t run into anyone else. 

Gamzee was waiting for them.

‘Hi,’ Karkat said awkwardly.

‘What’s up, my brother? Are you getting your pale on with this piece of shit?’

‘Actually, my ash, if you’ll have me.’

Karkat and Gamzee stared at each other for a long moment. Gamzee then stood up and launched himself at Karkat, tackle-hugging him. Karkat somehow stayed standing despite this assault and hugged him back.

‘Is that a yes?’ he asked.

‘Bro, I don’t even know what the motherfuck is happening right now, I don’t know how this miracle came to be.’ 

‘You  _ dumped me _ , you complete and utter mess of a troll. Why are you so happy to get me back? Did I not make it blisterfuckingly obvious that I would take you back if you so much as asked? What’s this that’s happening?’

‘Bro, I can’t  _ do _ redrom, I can’t even motherfuckin’  _ fathom _ it and now my best motherfuckin’ bro has wormed his way back into my life and quadrants like a motherfuckin’  _ miracle _ .’ Gamzee wriggled his arms under Karkat’s and picked him up slightly, spinning him gently one way then the other.

‘ _ That’s _ why you broke up with me? Oh, you’re such an idiot. If I wasn’t so happy where I am, I think I would scream at you for an hour.’

Gamzee put Karkat down and finally looked at Eridan for the first time. He gave him a lazy look over. Instinctively, Karkat put a hand on Gamzee’s shoulder, just before Eridan could equip his wand. They did  _ not  _ deserve the skill that was Karkat in their quadrant. Gamzee flopped onto his couch and Karkat sat next to him, patting his other side for Eridan. 

‘So, you’re okay with this? With me getting in the middle of this? Because if you are, things are gonna change, it won’t last if you keep going like you’re going.’

‘Aw, that fucker ain't gonna ditch me. We’re all we motherfucking got up on this business.’

Karkat grabbed one of Gamzee’s horns and pulled it firmly towards him. Gamzee went along with it, all docile. 

‘Yeah, like I said to Eridan, not the worst basis for a relationship, but we need to build on this, do you understand?’

‘I got my hatred on like a black miracle and now we got you so I don’t got to worry about killing him because you’ll stop me, is that not the motherfucking truth?’

‘No Gamzee, that’s not enough.’ Karkat released Gamzee’s horn and looked away for a moment, clearly thinking. ‘Alright, Gamzee and I are taking a walk,’ he said.

‘Wwhat am I doin’?’

‘You’re staying the fuck here while I talk to this lanky fucker because I’m not going to force kismeses to talk all nice about each other in front of each other, I’m not a fucking moron. Come on, fuckface, you need a motherfucking schoolfeed.’

With that, Karkat dragged Gamzee from the room leaving Eridan alone.

 

They were gone for over an hour. In that time, Eridan cleaned himself up and changed his clothes, both of which were incredibly long processes for him, and yet did not fill up the time. He sat awkwardly on the couch. He fiddled with his rings. He found a bloodstain on his scarf and spent ten minutes carefully getting it out. Feferi gave him his scarf. His scarf was not replaceable or stainable.

Then he just stared into the room, trying to imagine what they were talking about. It was probably a variety of what he had already suffered from Karkat, trying to amp up the black feelings between him and Gamzee.

When Karkat came back into the room, Eridan was proud of the fact that he just rolled his neck casually at the sound, as if he didn’t care at all. When Gamzee came into the room, Eridan bared his teeth just barely, just to test the waters, and was surprised when Gamzee responded by pouncing on him and biting at his neck.

Karkat settled onto Eridan’s desk chair. When Eridan made eye contact with him, he raised his eyebrows as if to say “ _ well? Show me you have  _ some  _ compatibility. _ ”

Eridan did, relaxing himself, making Gamzee work for his attention, not responding to the biting and kissing until he felt his blood drip dangerously close to his freshly clean scarf. He shoved Gamzee back and discarded the scarf before punching Gamzee square in the face. His rings broke the skin and Eridan grabbed at Gamzee’s neck to give him purchase to lick away the blood. Gamzee picked Eridan up by his ass, grabbing it roughly as Eridan gave him gentle face kisses all over. 

‘I’m  _ in _ this, motherfucker,’ Gamzee moaned.

Eridan grinned. ‘Provve it,’ he hissed.

Gamzee threw Eridan to the ground and landed heavily on top, knocking the wind out of him. While Eridan gasped for breath, Gamzee undressed him slowly, not needing to rush because Eridan was in no position to make any moves or to resist him for the sake of resisting. Eridan’s ear fins fluttered as if the lack of air was because he was underwater, not because he’d been decked by a lover, and he clasped his hands on his neck to force the correct system to gasp for air. Gamzee ripped Eridan’s hands away so that he could take his shirt off and Eridan finally recovered enough to watch as Gamzee undressed himself. 

Gamzee stripped slowly, watching for a reaction, staring at his flushed fins and the uneven rise and fall of his chest, at the swell of his bone bulge. Gamzee’s claws dragged over his skin as the clothes came up, not drawing blood, but raising purple stripes. Eridan raised himself up on his elbows, wanting to reach out and touch but not wanting to end the show until Gamzee finally was naked too, his bulge sneaking out. 

Eridan made a noise like ‘ngghh,’ and reached out for Gamzee’s waist. Seeing his partner so aroused finally coaxed his own bulge out. Gamzee let himself be pulled down and their bulges tangled together.

‘I want  _ inside _ you, my brother, will you let me?’ Gamzee asked, flexing his bulge.

Eridan tilted his head up and met Karkat’s eyes. He didn’t know what their auspistice had said to get Gamzee asking so sweetly, but he appreciated the fuck out of it. Karkat held Eridan’s gaze for a long moment before cocking his head to the side, reminding him of the question.

‘In a bit,’ Eridan said, tearing his eyes from Karkat. ‘Warm me up, Gamz, show him how good you are.’

At those words, Gamzee looked to Karkat, almost shyly. Eridan could see that Karkat’s interest turned Gamzee on as much as it did himself; their mediator made a pretty picture, leaning forward and watching them with absolute full attention, pupils blown and tongue darting out to wet his lips.

Eridan rolled his hips to get Gamzee’s attention back and was gratified when Gamzee moaned and then kissed and licked and bit at his neck and on his collarbone. Eridan scratched down Gamzee’s back and tangled his fingers in his long hair, pulling and stroking alternatively. Gamzee traced his claws down Eridan’s sides and then dug them into his hips. Eridan yowled and bit into his neck until he tasted blood on his sharp fangs. He forced himself to release, and forced his leg up suddenly, flipping Gamzee so that he could be on top. Gamzee put up a fight and then tried to flip them again but then Eridan slid his bulge to the edges of Gamzee’s nook and the fight went out of him as he moaned. 

‘Is this okay?’ Eridan breathed, not wanting to assume after Gamzee had done him the courtesy of asking.

‘So motherfucking okay, Eridan, please, yes, want you, do it,  _ yes _ ,’ said Gamzee, all quick and breathless. 

Eridan’s bulge writhed involuntarily in response before he got it under control again and then used it to gently explore, dipping just the tip into Gamzee’s nook.

‘Motherfucker, you best be getting your wriggle on, you’re driving me crazy,’ Gamzee panted. His own bulge was reaching for Eridan weakly, Gamzee clearly not able to concentrate hard enough to direct it. Eridan reached down and guided it to his nook as gently as he could, not wanting his claws anywhere near there. Gamzee’s bulge strained inbetween Eridan’s thighs for a moment as he shuddered, clearly getting the impulse to rush under control and then he began mimicking Eridan’s movements, the slow, barely there dip. 

Eridan groaned and leaned forward so his weight was on Gamzee’s chest and shuddered with pleasure when Gamzee tongued at his ear fronds. Now that Gamzee was probing his nook as well, it was harder to take it slow. He let his bulge in a bit more and whined with pleasure and impatience when Gamzee copied to the millimeter and not a bit further. Gamzee sucked on Eridan’s ear as if he was compensating entirely for not thrusting in his bulge and Eridan felt himself relax further, almost sinking his bulge to the hilt when Gamzee took advantage of his decrease in assertiveness to flip them again, and then they fully connected and writhed and Gamzee was biting Eridan’s chest and Eridan was clawing at his back and Eridan managed to breathe  _ ‘fuck _ ,  _ coming _ ,  _ Gamz _ ,’ before they exploded in near synchronicity. 

Gamzee collapsed onto Eridan heavily and Eridan stroked his back gently, pleasantly surprised when Gamzee’s purrs kicked in. They didn’t move for several long minutes until Eridan thought he might have to do something about the breathing situation and then Karkat was guiding them apart, cleaning them with a damp cloth, bandaging the cuts that hadn’t clotted immediately and then guiding them back together in a much more comfortable way. Eridan was halfway asleep when he heard the door swoosh close behind him.

‘We hit the clubs jackpot,’ he murmured to Gamzee.

‘Motherfucking  _ miracle _ ,’ Gamzee agreed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Dave's perspective. Couldn't find a way to do this from Eridan's POV and I love writing Dave, so here you go. Will also be writing some one-shots from my DaveKat stuff at some point, because I know there's a Karkat rant about honest communication that's begging to be shared.

Karkat hadn’t labeled any of his grubs in English, and while Dave was willing to learn Alternian for his smoking hot alien boyfriend, he hadn’t done so  _ yet _ and so was having to take random guesses to see if any of them were porn. If Dave was hiding porn (which, let’s be honest, he was experienced in),  _ where would he be doing it _ , he wondered as he looked through the chest of grubs. Maybe the colour had something to do with it? It was always good to sneak in something you were hiding in plain sight, like hiding a book with all the other books, maybe sneaking a hardcover dust jacket onto it so the spine art didn’t give it away. But then again … 

Dave amused himself playing random movies and skipping to random points to see if any of them were dirty for well over an hour. He assumed that Karkat was going to have to have a whole discussion with his freaky-clown ex-boyfriend about re-boyfriending him in a clubs way, and that had taken forever with Eridan, so he knew he had to be patient, but it was still hard. Hard enough to be apart to Karkat when they’d been together six months now and he still hadn’t cured himself of his clinginess. Though if Karkat was about to get into a weird polyamorous hatemance with barnacle boy and jesus clown, maybe clinginess was something that worked on him. Not that Dave was judging their beautiful alien romance. He was trying to understand Karkat’s culture. He thought he was doing pretty well, usually, and it wasn’t like his internet search history had left him innocent to less-than-normal arrangements. Not that porn was accurate, but he knew that some humans had relationships with multiple partners, some because they had different purposes, like how the trolls had their hate lovers and their love lovers and their chill out lovers, and some just in this cool community. He’d always thought that was pretty chill. Something to aim for. 

He used to admire how his bro had talked about sex just being about release for him. Relationships weren’t on his cards, too much work to consider someone else like that when he was already responsible for a whole nother person. Now that Dave had some distance he wondered if Bro was the one turning relationships down. He wasn’t the most stable guy, or the easiest to get close to. He wondered if he had ever had doubts about his sexuality. He just  _ owned _ everything about himself, so Dave doubted it. And then he’d once said he could have a dick in his mouth and two in each hand and still be less gay than Dave. That was Bro’s way, though. He didn’t want to  _ not _ acknowledge that Dave was crying, but he wasn’t gonna offer comfort either. And he wasn’t going to actually tell him off for it when a broken arm is actually a pretty good reason to cry. 

It had actually made Dave laugh, which was pretty nice at the time.

After he’d made certain that Karkat’s grubs had too much story and not enough trolls getting down and dirty, he messed around on his computer a bit more, refining his Gamzee themed mix, weaving in some subtle Insane Clown Posse samples, not wanting to accidentally set Gamzee off if he heard it but unwilling to not at least  _ reference _ the closest analogy to the murder clown that Earth had. 

He messaged Rose for a bit about nothing, rapping to her about ocean stuff in honour of the time spent with Eridan. She guessed why about halfway through, and Dave just pushed on with nautical puns, not willing to allow all his material to go unsaid, and then he admitted that he had watched some movies with Eridan and Karkat. He made half a dozen slips about sexing it up with each of them before she excused herself to spare him from further embarrassment. 

His infallible sense of time told him it had been two hours and six minutes (32 seconds, 3 milliseconds, goddamnit Dave  _ stop measuring _ ) since Karkat had left. 

He lay on the bed (resting platform, whatever) while he considered leaving and doing something else, but he wanted to know when Karkat returned and what had happened, if the clubs thing had gone well and what it all meant, and he didn’t want to pretend he wasn’t desperate for that information by going and picking a fight with Vriska or something. He definitely didn’t want to push his angsty behaviour on the mayor when he  _ knew _ he was acting annoying, even within his own head.

Luckily, he was saved from all this by Karkat entering the room. 

‘You waited,’ he said. 

‘Missed you,’ Dave said weakly. 

‘ _ Fuck, _ ’ Karkat said, and then he was on Dave, pressing his body to him as he kissed, holding his face. He kissed like they had been apart for  _ years _ , like he had felt the time just as badly as Dave had and Dave responded, kissing back, opening his mouth, letting Karkat have him. 

‘You in clubs now?’ Dave asked when Karkat moved on to his neck. Karkat made vague assenting noises and kept sucking a bruise into Dave’s skin.

‘Went that well, huh?’ he breathed. He and Karkat had been having some pretty fantastic makeouts over the last six months, but they’d kept them above the belt so far. Dave knew trolls had different junk and Karkat knew humans had different junk and their above the belt makeouts had gone so well that they didn’t want to complicate it with having a conversation about xenobiology. 

This kind of kissing felt like it was  _ going somewhere _ . Dave allowed Karkat to pull him out of his shirt and couldn’t help but let out an embarrassing giggle when Karkat resisted pulling his own off because that meant he had to take his mouth from Dave’s skin. 

Their chests felt amazing next to each other, two different kinds of soft, and just that  _ closeness _ that made Dave want to cling to Karkat and never let go. He wasn’t exactly sure what had brought this on, but he was glad that after the frustration of having company and then the frustration of being alone he was getting such a nice welcome … but he wasn’t sure what had brought it on. 

‘Karkat,’ Dave said and then he immediately flushed because he sounded like some kind of wanton lady, moaning her lover’s name on the cover of a Mills and Boons, so he shook himself and cleared his throat. ‘Karkat,’ he said, and this time he said it with conviction and paired it with the most half-hearted push away that he had ever done. Thankfully, Karkat had insisted communication a million times in their relatively short relationship and immediately respected Dave’s decision and let himself be pushed. Karkat scooted himself to the far end of the bed, clearly forcing himself to take away the contact entirely so he wouldn’t be tempted. Dave looked into Karkat’s eyes and nearly said ‘don’t worry about it, bro, let’s keep going,’ because  _ damn _ was it hot to be the focus of that kind of attention, but he forced himself to stay on topic.

‘What happened?’ Dave asked. His voice was breathy and not very chill.

‘I’m in clubs with them,’ Karkat said, staring at Dave’s chest.

‘So you talked to Gamzee …’ Dave prompted.

‘Yeah, he says he can’t do redrom, but he’s glad to have me back in a quadrant.’ Karkat ran his hands through his hair. ‘He seems willing to work at it, but I don’t know, he might just be saying what he thinks I want to hear. He really doesn’t care about Eridan and Eridan doesn’t respect him either, but at least they have chemistry …’

Dave made a sympathetic noise. Then his brain caught up.

‘What do you mean they have chemistry?’

‘It’s obvious. I dunno, how do you know if people have chemistry?’

‘I don’t think I’ve ever looked at a couple and said “you know what, those people have chemistry, they are sexually compatible,”’ Dave said. 

‘You said that about about the dancing humans in that movie just last week.’

‘That’s because they fucking do, that rain scene makes me uncomfortable in the pants region _ if you know what I’m saying _ .’

‘Yeah, well I reckon watching people pail is a helluva better indication than watching them spin around in a rainy alleyway.’

Dave let his head fall back onto the wall behind him. 

‘I knew it, didn’t I say that it? I knew that if I agreed to this I would be agreeing to something without knowing what I was agreeing to?’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘You said the worst you’d do were those innocent little kisses, Kat, not watching a fish and a clown do it, and  _ shit _ , that is  _ not  _ a sentence that makes sense to have me saying. This isn’t  _ Step Up 2 The Streets _ , I’m not down for a dance off, this is not  _ cool _ .’

‘I didn’t  _ touch _ them, I was making sure they didn’t  _ kill  _ each other!’

Dave shook his whole body out and made a strange noise of frustration.

‘I don’t even know what pailing even  _ is _ , I don’t if I’m being unreasonable or not,  _ fuck _ !’

‘And I don’t get what the problem is! Goddamn different cultural backgrounds …’

Dave tried to escape the bed but Karkat pushed him back, held him still.

‘Didn’t want to hurt you,’ Karkat said, his eyes wide with worry. ‘You’re my Dave.’

‘You’re my Karkat,’ Dave replied automatically. He moved slightly, testing Karkat’s strength and was gratified when the grip didn’t shift an inch. God  _ damn _ why were his kinks so predictable. ‘Kiss me?’ Dave asked. He wasn’t really used to asking, was still terrified that one day Karkat would leave him hanging, but every time he did he got this wonderful thrill when Karkat reacted with absolute enthusiasm. He was further thrilled when Karkat didn’t let go of his grip on Dave’s shoulders, but dug in lightly with his claws instead. Karkat crawled up on Dave’s lap, pressing his body close.

‘God, Dave, I  _ want _ you,’ he growled. 

Dave knew that a large part of Karkat’s motivation was watching whatever passed for alien sex between two of his closest friends, he  _ knew _ that and he was  _ supposed _ to be pissed off about that, but his hot alien boyfriend was grinding on him and he was 15, he was not built for this kind of temptation. 

So instead of using the little brain power he had left to dwell on unpleasant things, he used it to focus on getting Karkat to make that beautiful whiny noise that he’d made last time. With the limitation that Karkat’s hands were pressing on his movement, he could just barely reach his hips, and he scrabbled at them desperately. Karkat moved even closer in response, letting Dave touch him but not easing up on the pressure on his shoulders. Dave whined in frustration and then pleasure when Karkat responded by kissing him stupid.

‘Please, Kat,  _ please _ ,’ Dave said. He wasn’t even sure what he was asking for. Karkat knew anyway. He traced his claws down Dave’s shoulders, down his back and to his legs before dragging him into a lying down position. Dave hooked his fingers into Karkat’s belt loops and tugged him closer. Their bare chests slid luxuriously against each other, and Dave couldn’t help but moan every time Karkat nudged against his cock. 

‘Goddamn Karkat, you’re gonna make a mess of me,’ Dave said, biting down on Karkat’s neck as if that might help fight back his rising orgasm. Stupid teenage body. 

‘Do you want me to stop?’ Karkat asked, pausing in his movements and meeting Dave’s eyes with scary intensity. ‘’Cause I don’t mind you making a mess if you don’t mind me doing it too …’

‘Ngghh, yes, Kittykat, you can come for me, you can do it love.’

Karkat ground down harder and faster on Dave and clawed at his wrists to keep him still, which pushed Dave, panting and pulsing, over the edge. Dave felt his whole body loosen and relax, feeling better than he’d ever felt in his life. Dimly, he felt Karkat sag, his grip on Dave’s wrists tightening and then disappearing, his body a comforting weight on Dave’s. At least they both had no fucking stamina. Hard to feel any kind of shame when he was so blissed out.

‘Red for you,’ Karkat whispered.

Dave smiled and nuzzled into Karkat’s neck. ‘Red for you too, dude.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for chucking some Strider drama in there, mild as it was in the grand scheme of things.  
> I love the way Hussie did the Dave-Bro|Dirk stuff, having Dave recognise that Bro was not a good guardian and going through the complicated process of dealing with not being able to forgive him for that aspect of their relationship while still recognising that not all of Bro was bad, that he was a complicated person he will never fully understand.  
> I'm wanting to look at that more, but I love the Dave and Dirk conversation and part of that was that Dave didn't feel comfortable processing those feelings with anyone who wasn't himself or Dirk. Couldn't deal with Karkat's confusion as to what the problem was (Bro would probably be a better troll than human) couldn't deal with Rose's sympathy or analysis.


	6. Chapter 6

tentacleTherapist [TT] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] 

TT: Hello, Eridan. 

TT: We have barely spoken, but I believe I have made a firm enough impression so as to not require further introduction. 

TT: Regardless, I am very polite. 

TT: My name is Rose. 

TT: You hurt my brother. 

TT: I don’t believe I need to bother with anything as dull as a threat; you should consider my very existence a threat. 

TT: Do you have anything to say for yourself? 

CA: wwhat do you mean 

CA: davve? 

CA: hes cool 

TT: He is the antithesis of cool. 

TT: I, however, did not mean to doubt your friendship with Dave. 

CA: wwe *are* friends wweirdly 

CA: don’t see wwhat i coulda done to bring the wwrath of his sisterwwitch dowwn onto me 

TT: Your friendship does not mean that you haven’t hurt him. 

TT: I may kill you for it. 

CA: i believve you, wwe dont need to get to measurin wwands or anythin 

CA: could you at least clue me in wwith the wwhat I done part a the situation 

TT: You snuck into his relationship with Karkat, which is something I don’t pretend to understand, but is nonetheless very dear to him. 

CA: naww davve agreed 

CA: he said wwe could havve him as auspistice 

CA: dont see wwhy he should havve a problem seein as its not evven a concupiscent quadrant 

TT: Yes, see, the only reason I haven’t come for a “wand measuring” is because I do actually believe that you aren’t aware of your involvement in the heartbreak that is plaguing my idiot brother. 

CA: an you speak so fondly a him 

TT: Look, the fact that he is an idiot is a immutable fact, completely separate from the rest of this discussion. 

TT: And I perhaps would not be so emotive with my language if said idiocy was not occurring so closely to my ear-holes. 

CA: wwhat 

TT: He’s rapping. 

CA: ahaha say no more 

TT: No, you don’t get to be dismissive of his rapping. 

TT: I’ve just decided that I am the only one who can criticise him. 

TT: Look at that, I’ve come over all sisterly. 

CA: i can respect that 

CA: take me at my most sincerest right noww 

CA: wwhat can i do for you seer 

TT: You’re throwing me off, being all amenable. 

TT: Let me get back to you. 

TT: I have to think about this. 

CA: can i just say 

CA: i didnt wwant to hurt davve 

CA: an in fact i like him 

CA: but karkat is the best fuckin auspistice anyone could ask for 

CA: gam and i wwill literally fuckin kill each other wwithout him 

CA: an apart from that 

CA: i knoww its wway too soon 

CA: like not evven a perigee im so pathetic 

CA: but i love him 

TT: I see. 

TT: I have been trying to learn as much about your romance and culture. 

TT: Let’s say for fun. 

TT: If I was to understand this better, would you have a book or movie that might help me with that? 

CA: SHnrmsHd 

TT: Thank you. 

TT: And, I’m sorry that you are so isolated. 

TT: Do you want me to talk to Kanaya? 

CA: na 

CA: dont wanna push my problems on you 

CA: i havve gam and kar and dave if he gets ovver this 

CA: rose i really wwant him to get ovver this 

CA: because this thing wwe got goin is 

CA: forgivve me for sayin 

CA: a motherfuckin miracle 

TT: I see. 

TT: I will see what I can do. 

TT: The extent of my influence can not be overstated. 

TT: I am a motherfucking boss. 

TentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] 

Eridan paced his room, all anxious following his conversation with Rose. He felt like he should maybe apologise to Dave or warn Karkat. He considered going to Gamzee’s room, now separate from his, but adjoining so they didn’t have to risk corridors, but he wasn’t the kind of fool that looked for comfort in his caliginous quadrant. Maybe he’d blow off steam there later though.

Karkat had found all these little tears in their relationship and begun mending them, Eridan was pretty sure they couldn’t hack it alone. Their shared living space had deprived each of them of an official place to retreat and Gamzee’s wanderings as opposed to Eridan’s staying put had put them on uneven footing. Gamzee had always known where to find Eridan (exactly where he left him) but Eridan had never known where Gamzee was. He’d also encouraged them to talk more and do thoughtful things for one another, which had resulted in Eridan washing, brushing and braiding Gamzee’s hair and Gamzee getting Eridan a book on the violent history of his cult of capricious minstrels, which was as interesting as it was horrifying. Thankfully, Gamzee had never read it, saying that ‘studying a thing was just another way to steal all the wonder from underneath it’ and that he just knew in his heart the best way to be. Eridan was careful not to read it around Gamzee, not wanting to inspire anything in him.

Eridan was staring at the book, wondering if he could focus on it while still worried about the threat of violence or heartbreak from Rose, when his husktop made the noise of an incoming message.

turntechGodhead [TG] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] 

TG: yo eridan wanna hang out 

CA: uh 

CA: am i allowwed to 

TG: dude if you are gonna pick up any habit from sweaty dream troll let it be his habit of benching cities or whatever it is he does to get so fucking ripped 

TG: dont be all getting off on permissions its just weird 

CA: fuck that noise im nothin like equius 

CA: i just happen to havve a healthy respect for livvin and wwas thinkin that id like to keep on doin that 

CA: maybe i should just ask her 

CA: people like her like it wwhen you ask all deferential 

TG: who is her 

TG: is it vriska 

TG: cos fuck that you dont need permission from spiderbitch for anything 

CA: no i mean rose 

TG: please hold 

turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum 

turntechGodhead [TG] is an active chum 

TG: so my sister is crazy what else is new 

TG: im real sorry you got caught up in that 

TG: its like a bro cant even have a feelings rap without someone deciding to make a federal fucking issue out of it 

TG: like when i lived with bro if something was on my mind i would just rap about it 

TG: and he would rap back like a supportive family member should 

TG: and then hed give me a sweet fist bump and then disappear for a bit 

TG: and then wed have a sword fight to counterbalance the feelings bullshit 

CA: ok none of that wwas anythin 

TG: no see thats where youre wrong 

CA: davve i can say wwith certainty that you are talkin about nothin 

CA: as per fuckin usual 

TG: aha youre all right eridan 

TG: i still wanna hang and thats all cool but i am now obligated to have a sword fight because of aforementioned feelings 

TG: and no one here uses bladekind so i guess ill get karkat to come at me with his sickles 

TG: you could come watch and then afterwards we could hang if you like 

CA: wwhere 

TG: roof 

TG: where the fuck else would it be 

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA] 

Eridan thought he was getting quite good at the vents, but they didn’t go all the way to the roof, so he just put on his most flattering clothes and swept from the room full of a confidence that was only a little bit fake. If Kanaya wanted to kill him so bad she could find him in his block. He lived on the meteor just like everyone else, he should be able to walk through it. He still hurried to the roof, taking big brisk steps.

When he got to the roof, Dave was there, stretching his legs and mumbling under his breath. From the rhythm, he was probably rapping. Rose was sitting a short distance away with a pillow on each side of her head, bound together with wool.

She gave Eridan a friendly wave, so he went and sat next to her, flicking his cape so that he didn’t sit on the end.

‘The book you gave me the code for is quite good so far,’ she said, rather too loudly considering how close they were sitting.

‘Rose, for fucks sake, either take the pillows off or don’t try and have a conversation,’ Dave said, swapping legs.

‘I can’t hear you, brother dear, but once you assure me you have finished your rapping, I would be most happy to fix that! You see, I have pillows over my ears!’

Dave strode over to Rose and pulled the pillows off and threw them away.

‘I’m feeling a very brotherly level of hatred towards you right now,’ Dave said.

‘ _I’m_ feeling a level of smug self-satisfaction that I can only imagine is associated with being able to prompt such typical brotherly hatred.’

Karkat arrived in time to stop the humans from their word battle.

‘Hey, Tiger, you ready to get our strife on?’ Dave said.

‘Interesting choice of nickname, considering the sexual history of it and the phallic nature of your strife specibus.’

‘For the last fucking time, Rose, my swords are not dicks, they do not resemble dicks, and as a guy who has been the opponent of a dude that uses puppet dick as a weapon, I should fuckin’ know.’

‘Can you stop talking about your bizarre human anatomy and start fighting me?’ Karkat said, equipping a sickle.

‘Aw, man, you’re not gonna be able to beat me off with that, it’s too small.’

Rose coughed delicately.

Dave threw a piece of paper at her. She tucked it into her sylladex primly.

‘Wwhat is goin’ on?’ Eridan asked.

Karkat was now approaching Dave, sickle raised, ready to prove that he could still do damage with a lesser reach, but Rose replied with a coolness more suited to a tea party than a brawl.

‘I’ve been trying to help Dave be more aware of the things he says. I give him a number of papers at the beginning of the week and if he runs out by the end, he has to have a … feelings jam, would be the equivalent, I think. He believes that it is a punishment. I quite like our chats, though.’ She leaned in closer as if telling a secret. ‘He has not made it through a week without one so far, but I believe I would insist upon it even if he didn’t make boner jokes to the point that even Shakespeare might have said “bro, not everything is about sex.”’

Eridan gave Rose a blank look to convey how little of that he understood.

‘Are wwe gonna bet on the outcome?’ Eridan said.

‘I am quite confident Dave will win. Even without using his god tier abilities, he is the most accomplished fighter I know.’

‘See that’s wwhere you’re wwrong. Evven though Kar is probably the shittiest fighter I knoww, he’s still a troll, which automatically givves him strength and resilience that a human like Davve can’t hope to match.'

‘Sounds like we have grounds for a bet,’ Rose said, her lips tugging upwards into a smug smile.

‘Wwhat are the stakes?’

‘I’m not sure what you have to offer me or what I could offer you … Perhaps we should ask Karkat, he knows us both.’

Karkat and Dave were circling each other slowly looking for an opening. Rose stood up and calmly walked into the centre of the fray.

‘Rose!’ Dave protested.

‘Hello, Dave. Karkat, Eridan and I have made a wager on the outcome of this strife, but don’t know what to offer as reward or punishment. Any suggestions?’

‘You’re both super vain, so maybe something like … winner gets to dress loser up. Dave will help the winner with suggestions.’

Rose was silent for a moment too long, assuring Eridan that the punishment would indeed be effective, so he quickly joined her and held his hand out. He was going to win, so it didn’t really matter what he agreed to.

Rose shook his hand doubtfully. When she released, she said, ‘there’s basically no way that the loser won’t be dressed as a giant penis,’ and Dave sniggered behind her.

Eridan and Rose retreated to a safe distance and Karkat and Dave resumed their circling. Karkat moved first, going for a low strike to take out Dave’s legs, but Dave jumped out of the way and spun to target Karkat’s back. Karkat blocked it shakily and Dave rained down a barrage of hits before Karkat managed to get close enough that the length of the sword meant nothing, they were too close for Dave to get any movement, to swing like he had been, and both their blades were sharp and Karkat’s curved one was pressing slowly into Dave’s thigh and holding his sword still. Eridan gave a little gasp when he saw that Dave bled red.

‘All humans have red blood, Eridan,’ Rose said calmly. Her hands were just a little too tense where they rested on her skirt, but Eridan didn’t call her on it. He knew all too well that Karkat wouldn’t hurt Dave.

‘He’d be blue, at the vvery least, if he wwere a troll.’

‘And me?’

‘Just as vviolet as me,’ Eridan said with conviction.

‘I believe you have just said something very nice.’

‘Yeah, wwell wwe’re royal bloods evven if the wworld got blowwn up and no one cares about that shit anymore.’

Dave dropped his sword and elbowed Karkat in the ribs hard enough to relieve the pressure and then caught his sword before it landed, dancing out of reach. Karkat growled and Eridan’s fins trembled involuntarily.

‘You just did a fish thing,’ Rose observed.

‘I knoww this is just a fun strife, but my auspistice just growwled and I wwant to defend him.’

‘I understand entirely. Do you ever use bladekind?’

‘I’vve used just about evvery kind a wweapon that there is. I wwouldn’t go against Strider though, he’s _only_ used bladekind, that’s an advantage.’

Rose hummed in agreement.

Dave was keeping out of Karkat’s reach, taking advantage of his longer weapon, and Karkat was letting him dance around him, not even blocking traditionally, just redirecting the sword so that it slid past him. Eridan could see what Karkat’s strategy was and smirked at Rose, only to find that she was aiming a similar expression at him. They both stared at each other for a moment before looking back at the fray with renewed concentration, trying to see from each other’s perspective. Humans might not be as combative as trolls, but Rose wasn’t an idiot, she had to see that Dave was tiring and Karkat was going to strike any moment … And yet Dave wasn’t tiring, not at the rate he would expect, and his movements were dancelike.

‘ _Damn_ ,’ Eridan said. ‘I thought Kar was mad to be hoppin’ into pail with a human, but _damn_.’

Rose managed to both smirk and shudder at the same time.

‘Just so you know,’ she said, ‘we humans have this weird aversion to incest.’

Eridan looked at her all puzzled.

‘I’ll explain it to you when I’m not drooling over my ectotwin and therefore have a leg to stand on. I’m pretty sure it’s okay for humans to acknowledge when their siblings are looking pretty fly for a white guy, but I honestly don’t know. I didn’t have a brother until recently.’

Eridan looked back at the strife just in time to see Karkat spin with one of his strange blocks, moving with his motion to stab Dave in the thigh. Dave didn’t dance away this time, but instead sliced down, cutting Karkat on the arm. Eridan shuddered to see their matching blood. He didn’t like being reminded of Karkat’s mutation. Karkat hooked his sickle under Dave’s weakened leg and he went down easily. Karkat pressed his blade to Dave’s neck for a moment before captchaloguing the sickle and pressing his hands to Dave’s wound, checking the damage.

‘Well, shit.’ Rose cocked her head to one side. ‘I think my brother’s in love.’

‘He could a wwon if he wwasn’t bein’ precious about it,’ Eridan agreed.

‘To be fair, Dave was in no danger from that fight, nothing heroic or just about losing a practice strife.’

‘We’re tougher than you think,’ Eridan said, drawing himself up haughtily.

‘I know. It would still be handy to have a healer, right about now.’

Eridan shrunk into himself. He supposed he deserved that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is short because it's the second last chapter and I probably could have kept the two of them in one piece. I wanted one last nice chapter, though.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT] 

CA: you avvoidin me or wwhat 

CA: im not gonna dress you up as human genitalia 

TT: Somehow, I do not believe you. 

CA: no seriously 

CA: davve has been talkin my ear off 

CA: an yet i havve resisted him because im a fuckin prince 

CA: he tells me i am the first to do so 

TT: That may actually be accurate. 

CA: he made a “dick suit” for you too 

CA: an im not evven gonna use it 

TT: You may be my new favourite person. 

CA: i thought id make you dress like me 

CA: reckon thats still pretty funny 

TT: I recant my previous statement. I am on the precipice of hipsterdom as it is, this will push me over the edge. 

CA: do you think if theres twwo of us wwell be able to get a decent cup of coffee around here 

tentacleTherapist [TT] blocked caligulasAquarium [CA] 

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] 

CA: caligulasAquarium [CA]  shared the link rose.txt 

TG: dude i did not make a dick suit 

TG: that is a level of commitment i dont think i can muster 

CA: so 

TG: i think if anything id make a vag suit just to be ironic 

CA: is this evven the fuckin issue 

TG: nah youre right 

TG: goddamn though i just had flashbacks to egbertian pranks 

TG: he would have thought making someone think they had narrowly avoided being dressed up as a cock was pretty good 

TG: so you gonna put her in skinny jeans and a scarf is that it 

CA: and glasses and a beanie and a fuckton of bling 

TG: is bling hipster? 

CA: im just tryin to correct the sevvere deficit of shiny shit on this meteor 

CA: youd think wwe didnt havve a magic “make shit” machine 

TG: dude the grist supply is not limitless and swag costs a lot 

TG: trust me ive looked into bedazzling some shit for the lols 

CA: fine she can borroww some of my stuff 

TG: will you be ok without a boatload of gold on each hand 

CA: im not givvin her the shit im wwearin wwhat do you think im gonna go around bare handed like a peasant 

CA: fef told me she had to leavve her hivve to play the game and i was next so i captchalogued as much as i could 

TG: … 

TG: like a peasant 

TG: how are you and rose not best friends already 

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] 

Eridan spent a lot of time with the Alchemiter, playing with his clothes and other items to find the perfect colour scheme for Rose. He hadn’t done this for ages, since Feferi had insisted that she was too busy to change her outfit every week. Eridan had thought he was being quite reasonable. He changed his clothes daily, unless he was busy with something or he had fallen in love with a particular item of clothing. Feferi had tried to get him to talk to Kanaya about fashion, and he’d tried, he just kinda wanted to kill her every time she spoke. She was almost obscenely jade blooded.

He ended up choosing high waisted shorts that looked ridiculous on his skinny frame but would compliment Rose’s curves, with knee socks and high top sneakers, a t-shirt for a popular sea-dweller band and suspenders. Glasses, beanie and scarf completed the look.

He captchalogued the outfit and sent her the code. Game mechanics assured that it would come out her size if she alchemised it.

Half an hour later, there was a knock at Eridan’s door. Rose looked over the top of the huge glasses and Eridan rearranged her scarf for her.

‘I think you look wwonderful,’ he said.

‘Come on, let’s go horrify my brother. Never mind that he once told me that he liked bands no one had ever heard of before it was cool to do so, he’s still laughably opposed to the hipster brand.’

Rose hooked her arm in Eridan’s and steered him through the corridors towards Karkat’s room.

‘You know, I think enough time has passed that you could start talking to the rest of the trolls. I know that they aren’t all as … gentle … as Karkat, but I think they’re ready to forgive or at least move on from everything.’

Eridan tightened his grip on Rose’s arm, pulling her closer.

‘I’m really sorry about that, you knoww.’

‘I know. Why don’t you tell me your side.’

‘I thought I wwas makin’ the clevver movve. It’s a game, there’ll be a wwinner, I didn’t think it wwas us. Unless wwe did somethin’ drastic, like redefine wwinning. And they didn’t evven listen, Sollux just came at me wwith his psionics, filthy yelloww blood, and I don’t see wwhat it evven had to do wwith him. I wwoulda respected her decision to stay, probably. I respected that she chose him as matesprit, and I didn’t kill him evven though I could havve. But she wwas gonna kill me, wwhen she coulda talked me dowwn. She talked me dowwn a million times, she wwas _good_ at it, but she wwas gonna cull me. So I killed her and I’m sorry noww, because I lovved her and I’ll stick on this side because it’s that or kill you all and I’m done with that noww.’

‘You still don’t think we’ll win.’

‘Don’t get me wwrong, it’s nice to havve a plan. But I’ll either die or I wwon’t.’

‘Hard to wish for victory when the only reward is continuing living as a pariah, I’m sure.’

Eridan shrugged.

‘I nevver wwas good at havvin’ friends.’

‘I’ll help.’

Eridan stopped himself from asking if Rose would be his moirail and was immediately impressed with his own self restraint. He would have to tell Karkat later.

Karkat’s room was empty when they arrived.

‘Shall we try the main laboratory?’ Rose asked.

‘Fuck it, I nevver wwas one to dip my toes in before I divved. Let’s do this.’


	8. Chapter 8

The main laboratory was full. 

Gamzee and Terezi were in the centre, Gamzee towering over Terezi, his tongue almost but not quite touching her glasses. Her posture was strong and defiant, but she shook with the strain of not recoiling from him. A drip of saliva fell from his tongue to her shirt. She didn’t budge an inch.

Vriska was rolling her dice around in her left hand while Karkat held his hands out to her, clearly trying to talk him down. Dave had Kanaya in a casual headlock. All heads snapped to the door when Rose and Eridan entered, arm in arm. 

Eridan let loose his deadliest snarl. All the trolls except Gamzee shuddered. They could talk about equality and debate the reality of the hemospectrum all they liked, but they still knew what a pissed of sea-dweller sounded like and they knew what it meant. It meant death.

‘Eridan,’ Rose said quietly. 

Eridan ignored her and stepped forward, eyes on his kismesis.

‘ROSE, SWAP WITH ME, DON’T LET THIS BROAD TOSS THESE DICE.’ Karkat said. Rose calmly stepped over to Vriska and equipped her wand. Eridan remembered his own wand, and then dismissed the thought. The lowbloods could fuck about with weapons, he would kill them all with his bare hands before they even blinked. 

‘ERIDAN, CHILL OUT, OKAY? I’M HERE, I CAN GET THIS UNDER CONTROL, I’M YOUR AUSPISTICE, LET ME HELP.’

Eridan didn’t bother answering. He would have to stop growling if he wanted to speak, and he wasn’t going to stop growling until Gamzee gave him the respect he deserved.

‘GAMZEE PUT YOUR FUCKING TONGUE BACK IN YOUR MOUTH YOU SICK FUCK. TEREZI WOULD YOU BACK IT UP A BIT?’

‘You ordering me, leader?’ Terezi asked, not moving.

‘YOU BET YOUR RUMBLESPHERES I AM, YOU ASSHOLES HAVE FORCED MY HAND, I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER MASACRE, I WILL NOT HAVE ANY MORE VIOLENCE ON THIS METEOR.’

Terezi tossed her head defiantly but moved to stand behind Vriska. Gamzee continued to leer at her, but finally retracted his tongue with a slimy, slurpy noise.

Eridan growled louder, warning Gamzee that he’d better stand to attention soon. Gamzee threw Eridan a bored look over his shoulder and resumed his staring at Terezi. 

‘GAMZEE, YOU  _ HAVE _ A KISMESIS, YOU HAVE A FUCKING  _ ANGRY _ KISMESIS, YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE IN THIS.’

‘Brother, I don’t think you want to be getting in my way right now,’ Gamzee said, all calm anger. 

Eridan couldn’t growl any louder, and he hated that because he was  _ furious _ that Gamzee would give Karkat a second glance when he was in the room. He stepped forward and was surprised to find a hand stopping him. Rose was in the way. She hesitated for a moment before stroking her hand gently down Eridan’s face. Eridan hadn’t even noticed her leaving Vriska. Now that Terezi was safe, she was obviously not priority. She papped him again, so, so sweet. His growl stuttered a bit but kept going, albeit at a lower volume.

‘I don’t think I need to up and get  _ anyone’s _ permission for  _ any _ of my motherfucking decisions. Pyrope should be flattered that I CONDESCEND to give her my time.’

‘YOU MADE A FUCKING COMMITMENT, YOU NOOKFART, EASE THE FUCK UP.’

‘ _ I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING STORM MOTHERFUCKER, I WILL EASE WHEN I’M GOOD AND MOTHERFUCKING READY TO EASE.’ _

Eridan shrieked as loud as he could and lashed out with his claws. There was his line, he'd found his limit. Gamzee had basically taken a shit all over his relationship and he was willing to get talked down, but he  _ was not allowed to talk that way to Karkat _ . He was on Gamzee in seconds, tearing at his skin, tasting purple on his tongue. Gamzee fought back, but Eridan didn’t feel the pain that should have come with the violet splattering the floor. 

‘ _ I’M GOING TO PAINT THE MOTHERFUCKING WALLS WITH YOU _ ,’ Gamzee screamed in Eridan’s ear, and Eridan responded by gouging deep cuts in Gamzee’s back with his nails. Gamzee tried to kiss Eridan, but Eridan just bit his tongue, laughing hysterically when he took a chunk of it off. Gamzee equipped a club and managed to get one hit in before Eridan grabbed it and threw it at the wall, so hard that the paint cracked. 

‘You are  _ mine _ , do you understand?’ Eridan growled. 

Gamzee just laughed.

Eridan kicked Gamzee’s ankle with all his strength and Gamzee crumpled. Eridan kicked him again and again before Gamzee caught his foot and flipped him down too. They fought until Eridan was starting to get woozy, and their bites had more and more tongue, and then they were just licking each other’s wounds. Gamzee had lost even more blood than Eridan, and his clothes hung in tatters, but he showed no sign of weakness. 

‘You’ll still fill my motherfucking pail, won’t you, bitch?’ Gamzee crooned all gentle in Eridan’s ear.

Eridan shoved him away in disgust. He was done being easy. Gamzee let himself be pushed. Eridan looked down and saw that he was soaked in violet and purple blood, but there was red there too.

‘Karkat,’ Eridan said, touching it. He would hate that they saw him bleed. Even now. 

‘No,’ said Vriska. She was the only one still in the room, sitting all casual, waiting for them to be done. Eridan hadn’t noticed the others leaving. He needed to get his awareness back.

‘Rose,’ she corrected.

‘Wwhat? Wwhy wwould Rose get invvolvved?’

‘Maybe because she doesn’t know shit about pitch affairs. Maybe because you gave her no fucking warning. I don’t know what you two were doing, being all cute and dressing each other up, but I don’t think you can come back from this.’

‘Come back from wwhat? Vvriska, wwhat happened?’

‘Listen, I was your kismesis once, I know you can’t control the rage once it starts, but I’m the only one who gives a shit about that.’ She walked over to Gamzee where he was standing peacefully where Eridan had left him and wrapped him in heavy chains before guiding him into a fridge.

‘You didn’t think a mind controllin’ him before?’ Eridan demanded.

‘He’s hard enough as it is, let alone when he’s on a rampage. Had to wait for you to pacify or injure him. Don’t think he even  _ can _ be killed. He’s not coming out now. And I don’t think you should either.’

‘Vvriska, wwhat did I do to Rose?’

‘You ripped her flimsy human arm clean off and she bled to death. I mean, she came back, that wasn’t a particularly heroic way to go, but you have no idea how lucky you are Kanaya didn’t chop you in half.’ Vriska waited a moment for Eridan to absorb that. ‘You’re welcome. I won’t be doing that again.’

‘Vvriska,’ Eridan started. He didn’t know what he wanted to say.

‘I’ll assign you to a team without trolls for the final battle. You’ve done okay avoiding everyone so far. You better keep it up. Maybe sharpen those combat skills.’

With that, Vriska captchalogued the fridge containing Gamzee and swept from the room. Eridan climbed into the nearest vent and managed to crawl a couple of feet before the blood loss and adrenaline come down caught up with him and he passed out. 

He woke up some time later, and, feeling like an idiot, he changed his clothes, not wanting to leave a trail saying “injured enemy went this way”. He stopped by his block briefly to captchalogue everything in it. The journey took enough out of him that he collapsed for a strategic blackout on his resting platform. When he woke, his wounds had soaked through his clothes enough to require changing them again. This time he actually bandaged himself up first, wincing when the movements broke the scabs that had formed. What he really needed was a day or two in the ocean. Maybe he could find a tank of saltwater and make do.

He used the vents until he was deep enough in the meteor that he was pretty sure he wouldn’t be found. He messaged Vriska with his location so that she would know where to avoid, and then settled in to wait for the end. To wait for his death. Alone. 

Almost a whole sweep to go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So, first off, thank you for your kudos and comments, if you've given them, they mean a helluva lot and I love talking with people in the comments. I've finally figured out the base minimum on Tumblr, so if you want to follow me or chat on there, that is also cool. https://www.tumblr.com/blog/megalaurasaurasrex  
> Secondly, I had to end this sad. Had to, because I wrote the next story before I wrote this one, and I knew it needed some DRAMA. I'm still a bit sorry about it. I kinda love Eridan.  
> Thirdly, next story: I'll post the first chapter right fucking now because I have no restraint. Mostly Dirk/Eridan focused, after set after the final battle. I'll mention stuff from this fic, but I really don't think these three (so far, let's not pretend I have restraint) stories NEED to be read to understand each other.


End file.
